I want to let go.

Have you ever felt scared because you loved someone so much?

Like they're so much a part of you and your life you don't know what you'd do without them?

It makes it significantly harder not to put up a wall once this feeling begins, but it seems as though, if these feeling have already begun, there's no use in putting a wall up. They know you inside and out and have stayed with you through the good times and the bad times. So once you realize you can't put a wall up, you're just scared because of the unknowns.

There seems to be a lot more "what if's" once the fear kicks in. Life has it's own pace, and as much as we may like to be in control, somehow, something always happens to remind that we really aren't in control at all. Then we have to trust.

Trust God, trust others, trust ourselves. Trust that if we've reached this point, there's really no point in trying to turn back. Trust that the other person will do their best not to break our heart. Trust that God knows what's ahead and will work our lives to try and prepare us for what's coming. To know that whatever happens, we'll survive. We've survived before...the crush in Jr. High that gave the other girl the teddy bear on Valentine's Day. The crush in High School that seemed to take every other girl in the school to a dance, but not you. Although those seem so silly and immature, especially now it's serious enough to be scary, they were a big deal to us then. We didn't want to go to school the next day and have to face them making out by the locker, or knowing we can't talk to them because we just broke up. We survived.

So what happens now we're scared? Now we feel that they have more control than we do because it seems they've stolen our heart and we're left to their mercy deciding what to do with it. They've probably become our best friend by now, if they weren't before, but we're too scared to really let go. To really accept defeat and admit to having no control. It's like stepping off a ledge, and hoping the net is there to catch you. To be in the free fall and know they have the parachute, and what they decide to do with the parachute will determine if we live or die. Well, maybe this isn't quite as drastic as dying, but it may seem close.

So how do you just trust? You've trusted before, and that's how you got here. But what happens when that wave of fear comes and you don't want to not trust them anymore, you just feel so out of control, you want to know what they're planning or thinking so you know if trusting them will actually be worth it.

And if they don't pull the parachute, how are you supposed to move on? How do you trust another person with that responsibility?

Just asking all those questions proves how many "what ifs" come up in life.

I want to let go. I want to believe the net will be there and the parachute will be pulled. I want to live life to the fullest and not let the good times pass me by because I'm worried about what will follow. I want to love like I've never been hurt, and trust they'll catch me if I ever stumble through all my questioning. I don't want to be afraid of what life will throw me, and I don't want to mess up a good thing...really, one of the best things. I want to let go.

Make New Friends, But Keep The Old...

Tonight I found myself looking at a specific picture on my dresser. As I looked at it, I couldn't help but think of how much has changed. Observing it, I realized that not only have some of our relationships changed, but that we've all seemed to change in our own way. It's amazing how much we can change in a year or two.

College is so crazy. We get to make our own choices, and most of us are forced out to make new friends and, possibly, discover ourselves more than we discover new educations. As much as I haven't branched out to make new friends, I still think I've changed. In some ways I've grown, and in some ways, I guess there's still room for improvement. And I think we all feel that at some point in our lives.

And we also will always remember the people who were with us through the worst. The people that we may argue with and keeping in touch may be a joke, but they're still the people that we know would be there if we ever hit rock bottom. The people that make the saying true..."make new friends, but keep the old, for one is silver, the other gold"...I can't say I ever really understood what it meant. But just looking at this picture, I finally understand the importance of friendship and even if all your friends are different, how you can all compliment each other to make it work. How you keep each other in tune and watch each other grow. It really is crazy.

And I have to say, most everyone in this picture dreams bigger than anyone else I've ever met. Some of us have had our ups and downs and our chances to fight and tear each other apart, but we're still friends. Really, the only big difference it that I'm dating one now. I guess that's the biggest change between me and them. I love them all dearly, and will be there if they ever needed anything, and I know they're all dear friends with my boyfriend so they'll be around for a while. It just makes the awkward, can't date and have the same group of friends scenario. Obviously, these will be my boyfriends friends, whatever happens with us, but I do hope to make new memories with them in the long run. It's hard going from friend to girlfriend, but it's almost harder going from friend to a best friends girlfriend. It's a hard adjustment, but one we all seem to be ready to accept for real...a year and a half later.

I love this picture. High school was rough for us all, but we all grew, together, and we finished high school with some of my favorite memories.

Dear School

As if you don't cost enough, every semester we get charged a few extra hundreds of dollars to purchase textbooks. For me, this semester you decided to upgrade to the newest edition of everything making it all the more expensive. I haven't even bought all my books and already feel sick with all the money I could have spent on groceries...or something fun. Thanks a lot.

Part 2 of 2 of 4

Second semester of my sophomore year of college is going to begin tomorrow and I can't believe it!! I'm not sure if the most shocking part is that it's already here, or that I've actually made it this far. Knowing I may only have a year and a half left is so awesome! I can't wait to be done with homework and figuring out a job. As stressful as I'm sure it's going to be, it will be glorious having no homework or tests. Although I currently have no idea what I'm going to be doing after school, it's still exciting really being able to feel like there's an end in sight.

Anyways... Instead of just letting each day pass by and waiting for every weekend to arrive, I think this semester I want to set my goals a little higher. I want to try and make this semester count a little more.

Goal #1: Not get one C on my transcript. My GPA is already a little low and it won't be able to withstand another blow. This semester will be all A's and B's. I'm actually looking forward to a few of my classes this semester so that should help.
#2: Be productive at work. I've landed the best job on campus and this semester I will have once a week to sit at a computer for 6.5 hours. Luckily it is also at the end of the week, so I will have plenty of time to get my homework done prior to weekend festivities.
#3: Make friends. I want friends in my classes, and therefore will have to try not to look as pissed of as normal in class. Luckily there are no early classes this semester, so I will have plenty of time to actually get ready and not sit with my hood on and arms crossed. :) Friends, here I come!! Please be very undramatic girls that I can get along with.
#4: Talk to my sisters more. I've recently discovered that my sister's and I have more in common than I thought and I want to try and be a part of their world more. Skype is awesome.
#5: Be a little pickier on how I spend my money as it is quite limited.
#6: Read more. Having all the Friends episodes at arms length makes it very easy to do nothing when I don't want to do homework, but I'd like to start reading more. Maybe a little more "grown up" books than Harry Potter as well...although Harry will always be my favorite.
#7: Actually read my Bible. Instead of just pulling it out once a week for Bible study, I'd like to get into it by myself a little more.
#8: Try to find more variety than burritos and mac and cheese in my diet. Luckily mom sent me back with plenty of yummy food to start off with!
#9: Try to limit my stress level and be happy enough with where I am that my sleeping pills won't be as necessary. As much as I love having them, I'm afraid I'm taking them more often and don't want to be dependent on them.
Lastly, #10: Be a little more willing to do stuff on week nights than previous. If I'm going to make friends, I may need to be more willing to actually do stuff.

Although I may be dreading the start of more homework and stress, I want to start this semester with a little more optimism and hopefully take some of the stress off. Everyday I'm going to try and find something to look forward to, in that day, not just the weekend.

Here's to another semester!!