I want to let go.

Have you ever felt scared because you loved someone so much?

Like they're so much a part of you and your life you don't know what you'd do without them?

It makes it significantly harder not to put up a wall once this feeling begins, but it seems as though, if these feeling have already begun, there's no use in putting a wall up. They know you inside and out and have stayed with you through the good times and the bad times. So once you realize you can't put a wall up, you're just scared because of the unknowns.

There seems to be a lot more "what if's" once the fear kicks in. Life has it's own pace, and as much as we may like to be in control, somehow, something always happens to remind that we really aren't in control at all. Then we have to trust.

Trust God, trust others, trust ourselves. Trust that if we've reached this point, there's really no point in trying to turn back. Trust that the other person will do their best not to break our heart. Trust that God knows what's ahead and will work our lives to try and prepare us for what's coming. To know that whatever happens, we'll survive. We've survived before...the crush in Jr. High that gave the other girl the teddy bear on Valentine's Day. The crush in High School that seemed to take every other girl in the school to a dance, but not you. Although those seem so silly and immature, especially now it's serious enough to be scary, they were a big deal to us then. We didn't want to go to school the next day and have to face them making out by the locker, or knowing we can't talk to them because we just broke up. We survived.

So what happens now we're scared? Now we feel that they have more control than we do because it seems they've stolen our heart and we're left to their mercy deciding what to do with it. They've probably become our best friend by now, if they weren't before, but we're too scared to really let go. To really accept defeat and admit to having no control. It's like stepping off a ledge, and hoping the net is there to catch you. To be in the free fall and know they have the parachute, and what they decide to do with the parachute will determine if we live or die. Well, maybe this isn't quite as drastic as dying, but it may seem close.

So how do you just trust? You've trusted before, and that's how you got here. But what happens when that wave of fear comes and you don't want to not trust them anymore, you just feel so out of control, you want to know what they're planning or thinking so you know if trusting them will actually be worth it.

And if they don't pull the parachute, how are you supposed to move on? How do you trust another person with that responsibility?

Just asking all those questions proves how many "what ifs" come up in life.

I want to let go. I want to believe the net will be there and the parachute will be pulled. I want to live life to the fullest and not let the good times pass me by because I'm worried about what will follow. I want to love like I've never been hurt, and trust they'll catch me if I ever stumble through all my questioning. I don't want to be afraid of what life will throw me, and I don't want to mess up a good thing...really, one of the best things. I want to let go.